THE CUCUMBER INCIDENT | CUCUMBERS AND THE TWO OLD LADIES | CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE... | BEER vs. CUCUMBERS! | FRUITY PATIENT

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THE CUCUMBER INCIDENT

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky b*****d!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

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CUCUMBERS AND THE TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies went into a grocery store and enquired about the price of cucumbers.
"50 cents each or 3 for a dollar." said the shopkeeper.
The first old lady looked at the other one questioningly.
"Well, we can always eat the other one." said her friend.

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CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE...

  1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
  2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
  3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
  4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
  5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
  6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
  7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket, and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
  8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
  9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as ' Mrs. Cucumber'.
  10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
  11. You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
  12. At a drive-in you can stay in the front seat.
  13. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
  14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
  15. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
  16. A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
  17. Cucumbers don't care whether or not you're a virgin.
  18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
  19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
  20. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
  21. Cucumbers won't write your name & number on men's room wall.
  22. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
  23. Cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? Did you come too? How many times?
  24. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.
  25. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.
  26. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
  27. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
  28. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
  29. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
  30. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
  31. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
  32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
  33. A cucumber won't give it up for lent.
  34. With a cucumber you never have to say your sorry.
  35. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
  36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
  37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
  38. A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink.
  39. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
  40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
  41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
  42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
  43. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
  44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
  45. Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
  46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
  47. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
  48. With a cucumber the toilet seat's always the way you left it.
  49. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
  50. Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
  51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber.
  52. You will always know where your cucumber has been.
  53. A cucumber never has to call the wife.
  54. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
  55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
  56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
  57. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
  58. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
  59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
  60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
  61. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
  62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
  63. Cucumbers don't play guitar and try to find themselves.
  64. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... is married ... is on penicillin ... likes you - but loves your brother.
  65. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
  66. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
  67. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
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We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had...

BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!

REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN CUCUMBERS

  1. You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
  2. Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
  3. Beer is always in season.
  4. Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
  5. Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.
REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN BEER

  1. Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
  2. Cucumbers have fewer calories.
  3. Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
  4. You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
  5. Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
  6. You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
  7. You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
  8. Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
  9. You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
  10. A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
  11. You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
  12. You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
  13. [The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
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FRUITY PATIENT

A guy goes into the doctor's office.
There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right".

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